


Warning signs

by KillEvelle



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/F, Happy Ending, I haven't got a clue, I just... did a thing, I tried to do a thing, If You Squint - Freeform, but not like that, fluff maybe idk, like a little fluff, like really squint, mysterious kinda, they don't even say each others names tbh, what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:22:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24999028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillEvelle/pseuds/KillEvelle
Summary: She came back, she couldn’t live either. There is no life without each other in it.ORWhat would you do for the woman you love?
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	Warning signs

**Author's Note:**

> So I was listening to Coldplay - Warning Signs lol and this came out of my brain. Dunno how to feel about it first time poster, haven't got a clue how to work this site lol

“Well, the truth is— the truth is, I miss you” You say the floor, not quite being able to look up. Not into her eyes, never into her eyes. Or they might just swallow her whole being. This can’t be real.

She should have never let her go like that. Not that it seemed like she had a choice.

You know and yet here you are once again, searching, waiting and overcome with feeling. Feelings that you just can’t handle; have never been able to handle. Grief. A whole life of always being told how to feel and when to feel it.

How to be good, how to get good grades, be friends with the right people, show faith and kindness. But what if— what if it was all a lie. What if she wasn’t a good person? What if she didn’t want to be kind to people. Only doing it to save herself an argument with her peers or the inevitable lecture that she would get off of her parents. _God forbid_!

“I don’t know what I’m doing here.” Your voice thick and heavy with regret. Kicking the ground with my toe, a stone skitters across the floor in the direction of a parked car, eyes trailing it. Small dust clouds burst from the floor in its wake.

“You just have this power over me, it sends me into overdrive.” Eyes shifting to the thread bare tire of the car; someone should really get those changed. “Even though the warning signs are all but screaming in my head.” Calmly, taking a lungful of air into her aching chest. You can’t quite believe your own eyes quite frankly.

“Your face haunts me at night, in my dreams, in the dark, it’s like I can see you and I can’t stop unseeing you everywhere. When I make coffee, go shopping, Jesus _fucking_ christ even on my morning jogs. You are there always, I really just need you to stop. Stop infiltrating my mind, stop, stop, stop!” Falling to your knees, stones and dirt dig into the hard flesh but you don’t seem to notice or care. Placing your hands on the tops of your thighs, squeezing into the muscle until you feel a sting.

Trying to gain your composure. Trying something anyway, anything to take the unbearable ache away from your chest. An ache that someone put there deliberately, put there not with the intention of healing and loving but one of consuming and taking; taking to your very core.

“I _can’t_ do this anymore.” A tear making its way down your cheek, leaving it to tickle down your neck. Swiping it away and heaving yourself back up onto your feet, you turn. For the first time in a long time you turn and walk away from the cause of your pain. Your inevitable downfall your own personal destruction, that has placed you in more than a few hair raising situations before. Love shouldn’t hurt, not like this. Turning and staring out across the fields, miles and miles of pure freedom and yet here you are stuck and filled with grief. Never being able to walk away when you really needed to, never knowing what is good for you.

Your life was over, and you knew it. Never once did you try to break away from it, to run from it. This was your own cause and effect. Was there some master plan? No, there wasn’t. It was ultimately your choice. Down to you and you alone.

Hands grasped at her shoulders. Warm, strong and unafraid hands. The kind of hands you feel safe to have on your body. They ones that pick you up when you are at your lowest and never let you go until you can eventually hold yourself up. They are striking, so gentle. Almost like a whisper on your shoulders, a promise.

“You _can’t_ — you can’t leave like this.” You hear her voice as though she is right next to you, like you are hardwired only to be able to hear her and her alone in this world. She is inevitable. “At least let me tell you why I did it.” The wobble in her voice has you heaving another breath, another deep pull of air, almost like you feel you can’t get enough. Is this what love feels like? Crushing?

“I had no choice, you have to believe me.” Her forehead hits you right in-between your shoulder blades, she is smoothing her hands up and down your arms like she can’t feel enough of you at once. “I had to keep you safe, I promise, I didn’t want to leave but if I didn’t— if I didn’t then you would have been killed and it would have been my fault.” Hands snake around to rest over your heart, palms flat on your chest; almost like she is trying to hold the broken pieces together.

Just when you thought you couldn’t take anymore, your knees give out again. But she is there right behind you, holding you up.

“I couldn’t watch you die.” A sob wracks your body as she says this and again you think, is this really love? Is this how it was always going to turn out?

“You couldn’t watch _me_ die, so _I_ had to watch you die?” Your tears where uncontrollable now, they fall without abandon, without clinging to your neck, big fat rivulets falling off of your cheek. You want to fall on the floor, but the arms encircling your upper body don’t falter, never shift, feeling like they could carry you forever. If anything her arms hold you more firmly, her front is flush to your back. Her face pressed into the side of your head, face full of your hair, as she breaths you in.

“You are stronger than me.” You feel the words, you feel them into the depths of your bones, over the scars that marry your skin because of this woman. “I wouldn’t have been able to live without you, I would have died _with_ you. Whenever they would have found us.” Feeling the wetness of her cheek on your ear, the sob that you could feel bubbling up from the bottom of her stomach.

“You have to understand, I couldn’t tell you, I _had_ to protect you. I had to fake my own death to protect you. You are all I think about, and if you got hurt because of me, again, I would never have been able to come back from that. Everyday for the past year, I have only thought about you. It has been _you_ and it always will _be_ you.” You can feel her take a deep breath her chest pushing more into your back, her arms cling tighter around you, like they don’t want to let you go, as if she would never get this feeling back. Your head falls back, onto her shoulder, you are looking at the sky. So blue now, not a cloud in the sky. Clarity.

“I thought I could leave, but I missed you so much. I’m tired— I’m tired of missing you, of being without you. Of getting shitty updates every two months on how you are doing! I realised, I would rather die _with_ you than without you.” One of her arms move down to your waist while her other is still over your chest, hand on your heart, she is still holding you up. Your legs are refusing to work, after a year of not seeing her and thinking that she was dead, eternally gone from your existence. This is all so much to take in. Even if you wanted to run you couldn’t. Even if you could, you wouldn’t. Because somehow, someway you always find your way back to each other.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” At least you have found your voice again, the dull ache in your stomach where you have been trying to keep the vomit down and the sobs to a minimum easing a little as you speak. “You could have at least told _me_!” It’s almost like you had to push the last word out of your mouth, gritty on your tongue, like speaking through a mouthful of sand.

“I couldn’t. You had to believe I was dead. You where only a threat to them when I was around, get rid of _me,_ and _you_ were safe. Please, you must understand, all I wanted was your safety, I have never felt that about anyone, ever. I would die to keep you safe.” Her last words where whispered, you could feel them on the edge of your ear as the warm puffs of breath fanned out over your cheek. You do understand, if you where in her shoes you know you would have done the same thing. To protect at all costs.

Is that love? To sacrifice? Sacrifice what? A life you both could have had together. Of happiness and laughter, shared breakfasts and dinners, movies with the good popcorn? To what could have been.

You manage to stand on your feet, your legs able to take the weight now the shock of what was actually happening has worn off. You turn, look at her for a long moment. Her eyes that have a sunken in look to them, not quite the cat like eyes you once described them as, she looked older, like the last year may have taken more of a toll on her than you first realised. Still beautiful. Her hair the colour of liquid honey, it still looks so soft. She is actually In front of you.

The woman that stole everything from you, every ounce of sleep you haven’t been getting in the last year, every meal that couldn’t be finished because the sight of her body crumpling to the ground from a gunshot would play itself over and over again in your head that you had to run to the toilet just to get rid of the memories, like purging the worst ones so you would be able to think.

She came back, she couldn’t live either. There is no life without each other in it. What life? It is just pain from the moment my eyes open, until I have to shut them again, and even then the dreams are lurking, right in the dark crevices of my brain to torment me even more when I’m not awake.

“I understand.” You say as you look into her eyes, you leap at her then, arms going around her neck. She stumbles back slightly, her arms snake around your back to squeeze you, trying to keep her balance. She gasps into your hug, you feel it, you feel everything about her, you can feel her pain of having to go about protecting you that way, you feel the relief that is pouring out of her in waves, relief that you haven’t just slapped her around the face and told her to fuck off. Most importantly you feel her love, coming off of her like a waterfall, pouring into your soul and letting you breath properly for the first time in a year.

“I missed you so _god damn_ much.” You keep squeezing her until you feel like you have fused both of your bodies together through shear will alone. You voice sounding thick with untethered emotion.

“Okay if you don’t stop squeezing me now, you _really_ will kill me.” You pull back sharply because she did not just say that. “Too soon?” You can’t help but smile, you have her back.

“You think?” She is smiling back at you, an innocent smile on her face. Her cheeks full and her teeth showing, she looks adorable. How you have missed her.

“I love you.” This time you are prepared, you don’t back away once she has said the words. You don’t feel like running, you are exhausted, you let your self finally give in, you give yourself to her. Know that she will be giving everything to you. _That_ , you think, _that is what love is_.

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed it, I tried to do whatever my head told me to, I'm not a writer or do I even know what I'm doing lol I gave it a quick scan for mistakes so every little mistakes is mine, help a girl out. No names, hope it turned out alright, would love to hear feedback. Hope you all have a glorious week and stay fresh :)


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